It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

[mourning]: feel or show deep sorrow or regret for (someone or their death); feel regret or sadness about (the loss or disappearance of something).

I don’t know if any of you are in a time in your life when you’re mourning the loss of something or someone. If you’ve lost a family member or close friend to tragic death. If a dream has died and your future seems to be in shambles. If you lost a relationship that was supposed to be forever. If some part of you or some significant part of your life has died, you are given full permission to mourn.

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I Struggle with Pride – And It’s Not Okay

Hi friends!

I haven’t written anything in a little while. More than anything, it’s because I’ve been off in my own little world, introverting and introspecting. But it’s also because the Lord has been majorly chiseling away at me this Summer. I’ve been asking questions like,

“Who are You?”

“Do I actually know You or just the idea of You?”

“If there was no one else in the world to compare myself to, who would I be?”

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I Will Fight in Stillness

Lately, the enemy has been attacking from all sides. I’m sure I’m not the only one. He finds me at a weak moment and pounces – whispering lies about my past, about my reputation, about my character, about my worthiness of a godly husband, about the voice that I know is the Lord’s.

It’s almost always between the hours of midnight and 2 am that he comes and tries to find a chink in my armor. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. But most recently, I’ve noticed myself accepting many of the things the he says about me. I can’t imagine how painful it must be for the Lord to watch my heart crumple in belief of the lies that the enemy tells me.

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I’m Disappointed.

Perhaps the future being a mystery could be seen as beautiful.

Perhaps knowing the One in control of my future, revealing it to me piece by piece should be comforting.

Perhaps I should live in constant peace knowing that my plan is written and will work out for my good and His glory.

However, if I’m being completely transparent, I don’t always want to trust His plan. I don’t always feel like letting go of the things that I want in order to allow Him to work in my life. I often grow unsatisfied with the way my life looks and begin pursuing the things I want without consulting Him. Because as many times as I’m proven wrong, I still occasionally feel like I know what’s best for my life.

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Community Changed My Life

Hi friends!

I have a massive love for people that did not exist before I started going to Gateway Church and The King’s University. I used to go to another university, which was much larger and I’m sure is the right place for many others. However, it is not the right place for me to grow and thrive. Since I followed the Lord’s call to “go” and switched to a much smaller school (seriously – there’s about 400 people there), I have found a community that has completely changed my view on love, Jesus, and what true fellowship is.

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Letting Go of My Old Self

Hi friends!

One of the most difficult yet incredible parts of my life with Jesus to accept is that I am a new creation.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 1 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV

Beth Moore made a video that I watched a while back about how some of us carry our past around with us like another person, which we are incapable of going anywhere without. We recognize that it is in the past, but we drag it around everywhere for everyone to see, not letting anyone get to know who we are without knowing who we were.

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Spiritual Comparison

Something very frustrating for me to talk about and experience is spiritual comparison. Therefore, that is exactly what I want to discuss today. The enemy likes to use things against you that you don’t confess, so here goes my confession:

I compare my spiritual experiences to others, and get jealous when others seem to “get more” than I do.
I’m not proud of this, but I don’t think I’m alone in it either. There are a few reasons this happens, and certain things I try to remind myself when I notice the little greeComparisonn monster rising inside of me among Spirit-filled friends. But the biggest reason is because my head gets in the way of my Spirit.





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Mercy Covers Shame

Hey friends!

So, I’m going to be fairly frank with this post. The enemy likes to use shame as a tactic of wedging between me and Jesus. Shame is possibly the most destructive and slimy feeling that I’ve ever experienced. It is humiliating and makes me want to crawl out of my skin. If shame was an image, it would be me crawling into a giant hole, curling into a little ball, and hiding from anyone’s sight.

One of my professors last semester talked about shame and how it affects the way we approach His throne. He explained that when you’re feeling shame or regret or unworthiness, you feel as if you’re snuck in to the throne room, hiding from the sight of God. I remember distinctly a season of life when shame became a way of life for me. It was a default setting whenever I slipped back into destructive behavior. I hid from Him. I ignored Him until I knew I was cleaned up and ready to face Him again.

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Fear of Man Cripples

Hi friends!

The Lord has been doing a great deal in my heart lately regarding the topic of fGalatians 110ear of man. It’s potentially the deepest and most hindering area of weakness with which I’ve struggled, and this semester has been an uphill fight against it. There are several ways that fear of man can manifest itself in our lives, and in all of these Jesus provides ways to combat this fear. The counselor I’ve been seeing since February is absolutely wonderful. She’s provided much of my tools and insight into this topic, and I feel compelled to share them for whoever else might struggle with this like I have.

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