When He Feels Far Away

Hi friends!

I know it’s been a few months since I’ve written anything, but life has been quite the whirlwind. I started a full-time job working  at a ministry/media company, I’ve been working through the excitement and challenges of a new relationship, and I left the school mid-semester that I’d been attending for a while. Life, in every aspect, has changed. I’m extremely overwhelmed, but abundantly blessed.

I’ve been struggling lately with the way I’m relating to God. Something several of the pastors I listen to and transcribe discuss is that God works differently in different times of our lives. When you’re exercising, you have to switch up workout routines to keep your muscles growing stronger. In the same way, the Lord switches up how He communicates or relates to us in different times because it strengthens our spirit and our relationship with Him. He knows us better than we know ourselves, and He knows how best to talk to us. But even knowing this logically, emotionally it has felt distant with me and Him lately.

I’ve always been a big feeler. And I forget that God works in seasons and in new ways all the time. For about a year of my life, He worked heavily in intimate communication, deeply feeling and palpable. He gave me prophetic words and nudges in my gut that I could really feel. I heard Him so audibly it was as if He was standing beside me. We had nightly meetings with Bethel worship, and our relationship grew deeply.

But something shifted at the beginning of the summer. I suddenly had questions. I wanted to know why and how and what things mean. I wanted to define my faith and understand who He is exactly. Not just in the touchy-feely way I had been experiencing. But I wanted to be able to defend my beliefs and the person in whom I believe. I began searching for Him in the Word as well as in other people. My analytical, researching mind took over my feeling nature. Though I didn’t see it, I was just as close to the Lord in that season as I was in my “feeling” season. I’m currently in a quieter time. He isn’t particularly loud. He isn’t overly talkative. He happily listens and is always present when I come to Him. He encourages me and tells me when I need to correct something.

But it’s frustrating, because I desire to feel closer. Maybe it’s that I moved away. Because in everything He’s shown me of Himself since I’ve known Him, he doesn’t move. He stays right where He is. I’m the one the slips back in some area; takes over the wheel and steals back control of my life. I feel the need for the comfort of how our relationship used to be. And this season, though exciting and full of adventurous change, is uncomfortable. I can’t see through the fog of uncertainty into the future. It is all unpredictable and out of my comfort zone.

I’m beyond grateful for the blessings in my life: the relationship He’s blessed me with, the company with whom I work, my friends who have stuck by me in this change, and the family that loves and supports me always. But I have to be allowed to tell God that I’m frustrated. That I’m uncomfortable. That I want things to be stable and normal. I want peace. I want harmony. I long for things to be easier. I need a glimpse of the future in store so I know if I’m doing the right thing in any aspect of my life. Is this discomfort because I’m being molded and challenged, or is it a lack of peace in my spirit? Are You staying silent because I’m moving in the right direction, or did I just stop listening unless it was something I wanted to hear?

Friends. Right now, He feels far away. Even with the joys and blessings and excitement of right now, He feels distant. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this feeling, like sitting in the base of a canyon, waiting to hear anything.

I know He is faithful, and right now I am clinging to one of my favorite promises He makes that He is near.

“Am I not a God near at hand”—God’s Decree—
“and not a God far off?
Can anyone hide out in a corner
    where I can’t see him?”
   God’s Decree.
“Am I not present everywhere,
    whether seen or unseen?”
   God’s Decree.

{Jeremiah 23:23-24 MSG}

Happy Monday!

Lauren

 

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