You Are Worthy

[worthy] : having worth or value; having sufficient worth or importance; of commendable excellence or merit; deserving.

Something pressing on my heart lately has been my worthiness. My greatest insecurity is feeling “less than” or “second best”. Even though I know my identity as a daughter of the King and a joint heir with Christ, sometimes my humanity wiggles in and I feel the weight of that insecurity.

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Faith > Feelings

I doubt – often. I ask God, “Are you even there?” occasionally. I go days without having a meaningful conversation with God. I base my relationship with Him on the way I feel about it. Do I feel fulfilled, joyful, super-spiritual? Then He must really love me right now, and our relationship must be solid. Do I feel empty, abandoned, neglected – as if I’m sitting in silence, waiting on someone to show up that never does? He must have gotten bored with me or tired of giving me second chances, and He left me to my selfish desires.

Too often my feelings outweigh my faith. My feelings dictate my perception of reality. But God’s truth about who He is and who I am to Him are the only constant things I can always count on, even when my emotions tell me otherwise. My feelings fluctuate daily – hourly, even. But Truth does not change even when my feelings do.

I catch myself singing worship songs at church while my mind is caught in the web of my circumstances. I’m not tuned in. I don’t attempt to actually proclaim from my heart the goodness of God because my emotions and worry are telling me that He isn’t good. More frequently than I’d like to admit, I believe my feelings over truth.

Yes, absolutely, God can enter into the emotion we are feeling. If we are hurting, Psalms 34:18 tells us that He is “near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” The joy and exuberance for life we feel is founded in the heart of God and His goodness. But I can’t continue allowing my feelings to take the throne in my heart that the person of Jesus is supposed to occupy. I can’t bow down to whatever whim my emotions decide to pursue, disregarding the ultimate truth of what Jesus says about me.

I am not out of place, too much to handle, too messy to forgive. I am the righteousness of Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21).

I am not going to live in this difficult circumstance forever. God has a plan for my life that is prosperous. (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am not “less than”, below average, second-rate. I am the head and not the tail; first and not last. (Deuteronomy 28:13).

I am not looked over by God or considered incapable of greatness. I am God’s handiwork, created to do great things, which He prepared in advance for me to do. (Ephesians 1:10).

I am not too far gone for grace. From His fullness – His overabundance, we all have grace upon grace. (John 1:16)

I am not unloved, no matter what I do. There is nothing that can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)

My feelings cannot dictate my faith in God.

“Sometimes you sing it because you believe it,

and sometimes you sing it until you do.”

-Steffany Gretzinger

Lauren

When He Feels Far Away

Hi friends!

I know it’s been a few months since I’ve written anything, but life has been quite the whirlwind. I started a full-time job working  at a ministry/media company, I’ve been working through the excitement and challenges of a new relationship, and I left the school mid-semester that I’d been attending for a while. Life, in every aspect, has changed. I’m extremely overwhelmed, but abundantly blessed.

I’ve been struggling lately with the way I’m relating to God. Something several of the pastors I listen to and transcribe discuss is that God works differently in different times of our lives. When you’re exercising, you have to switch up workout routines to keep your muscles growing stronger. In the same way, the Lord switches up how He communicates or relates to us in different times because it strengthens our spirit and our relationship with Him. He knows us better than we know ourselves, and He knows how best to talk to us. But even knowing this logically, emotionally it has felt distant with me and Him lately.

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Peace.

It’s been a probing thought in my heart the last several weeks that everyone’s relationship with the Lord is completely different. Some relate to Him more closely as a best friend, speaking with Him most commonly in the way they would talk to their dearest friend. Some are incredibly intimate with God as a Father, approaching most conversations from a childlike perspective. I don’t know necessarily if I have one “mode” of relation to Him. But I do know that just as my siblings and I have different relationships with our father, we have different relationships with our Father. It’s about personal make-up and how we were created to relate to Him.

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When God Says “No”

There are some things that the Lord tells me to do that I have no problem with doing. He commands me lovingly to do one thing or another, and I generally do what He says because of my trust in Him. But sometimes, the Lord tells me let go of something that I want nothing more than to cling to.

[Cling] : to hold onto something or someone very tightly; to stay very close to someone for emotional support, protection, etc.

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Stand up for Yourself

Something I’ve always struggled with is finding the balance between fighting for myself and standing up for myself. Fighting for myself looks like something I’ve described in previous posts – feeling attacked, as if I’m being backed into a corner. So the boxing gloves come out and I fight back, because it feels like no one is in my corner with me. Standing up for myself is knowing my worth, my values, and the way I deserve to be treated, and loving myself enough to not allow those things to be disrespected.

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I Am the Scum of the Earth

There are some days I wake up and feel free – free to talk to God, to tell Him my thoughts and feelings. I feel free to smile at Him and tell Him good morning. I don’t feel an anvil of guilt resting on my chest or a concrete wall of my own design hiding me from the Lord. There are some days I feel like He loves me. And honestly, there are some days I doubt that He does. And if He does, it has to be forced, annoyed, fed up love.

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When Life Becomes Too Much

Warning: This post is coming from an introvert whose natural tendency is to retreat to solitude regularly.

[weariness] :  lacking strength, energy, or freshness because of a need for rest or sleep; reluctance to see or experience any more of something.

There is a certain weight on my chest that sits heavily, making breaths shallow and my body sluggish. I don’t have the same energy or enthusiasm for life. I lose my chipperness. My smile becomes infrequent. I either sleep too much or way too little. More than likely, I begin to slip on responsibilities and in my relationships. I have a constant desire to run – to hide under my desk where no one can find me and no one can ask me for anything. I enclose myself in a shell and focus on the task in front of me with blurry vision and a mind pulled in thirty different directions.

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Fight Me.

Inbred within my flesh is the desperate need to defend myself.

To protect myself.

To guard my own heart.

When backed into a corner, there is an instinctual response of raising a wall, lifting my fists in defense, and fighting back. When words fly and I feel under attack, I slip on my independent pants and defend my character, because obviously everyone is calling it into question. When there is a wrong tone of voice- accusing, judgmental, belittling- I snap back in bitterness, because obviously they are against me.

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